Dreams, Doubts, and Denial

At 39 weeks, I haven’t quite reached my due date but coworkers consistently ask, “Wow, you’re still here?” Yes I’m still going to work and I’m in complete denial about the prospect of labor happening at any given moment. I just brush off the weird comments (for example, “Don’t sneeze, ha ha…” was yesterday’s highlight) and go about my daily business since I don’t feel any closer to delivery than I did a month ago. I guess I’ve experienced some minor contractions and cramps randomly over the past couple weeks, but they tend to subside quickly enough for me to not take them too seriously. I understand that Braxton Hicks can start several months before labor and that pre-labor itself can go on for a few weeks. But it all just feels so normal. I’ve gotten used to being pregnant and I’m still in no hurry to get this baby out. My aches and pains have subsided a bit now that I’m using a pilates ball instead of a chair at work. I should have switched months ago, it has made a world of a difference! Also, prenatal massages are wonderful and I’m going to miss having an excuse to get them on a regular basis!

Richard and Ruby were a lifesaver with this ball so I'll forgive Richard for saying I look like a snowman

I must admit though that all this feeling good has me a little worried. It seems as if things are going too well and as a result something bad is bound to happen. One of my biggest concerns at the moment is how bad flu season has been this year. Chris and I have been spared so far, but he was exposed to a coworker with the flu a few days ago and yesterday evening he started complaining about allergy-like symptoms. I don’t think he has a fever, but he’s never had allergies in his life. He’s taking some time now to rest and I’m hoping that whatever it is will pass quickly without affecting me or the baby. I’ve been taking precautions, but last night a weird dream really rattled me. In it, my mom was telling me that a natural birth wasn’t possible and I screamed back at her saying that she was wrong, that I could do anything, and that I was determined to be better than her. I usually don’t remember my dreams and when I do they don’t make much sense, so the profound nature of this one blew my mind. I must admit that it came with no surprise that in a dream my mom would play a manifestation of my own preoccupations. My parents have always played a pessimistic role in my life and have never been very supportive of my hobbies, interests, exercise routine, social life, etc. as it’s all too much in their opinion. They always discourage behaviors that make for a more stable, well-rounded, happy, and healthy life. Before I was pregnant, my mom told me it was crazy to run a half marathon and that I exercised too much. Sure it was fun proving her wrong, but I’d much prefer proud loving support over hostility. Also, her disapproval levels only bumped up after the pregnancy. “Wait, you went camping? Hiking is dangerous! And you better not be belly dancing anymore!” How am I supposed to have a relationship with someone that perpetually puts me on the defensive? In her opinion, pregnant women shouldn’t run or dance or stay out late with friends. And even from a thousand miles away she manages to criticize what I wear and what I eat despite the fact that we speak only once every couple weeks. Our phone conversations aren’t even real conversations. They are more like emotionally draining interviews where you get drilled with irrelevant questions and then judged based on some inane criteria that don’t accurately represent you at all. Wow, here I am, a married mother-to-be, ranting like a teenager about how her mom doesn’t “know” her. I sure hope I am able to do better with my children!

Speaking of parental disapproval, I’ll go ahead and mention that I’ve been quite the hooligan staying out late this week. My due date is this weekend so Chris and I have been making the most of the time we have left. On Friday, we had our own respective boys’ and girls’ nights out. Back when we got married, Chris never had a bachelor party and it still bothers him to this day. I’d try to make him feel better by saying he didn’t need one since we still act like wild college kids, but I’m glad he was finally able to have a ceremonial last night of freedom. He ended up with one heck of a “man shower.” And I think it worked out better this way since late night diaper changes and baby responsibilities are way more life changing than marriage to someone who encourages your crazy ways! So while he was out on Friday, I had a really nice time with friends at Cru before going to a show at Spider House. And when I got home a little after 2 am, I was welcomed by a happily inebriated husband and some of our guy friends who ended up staying the night. Might I add that I did not go into labor, although everyone did ask if we had seen what happened with Lily and Marshall in How I Met Your Mother (S07 E22). Yes that was a funny episode and no that didn’t happen with us.

On Saturday morning, Chris and I went to a cloth diapering class, well aware of what a drastic shift it was from what we were doing the night before. But we found that amusing and ended up learning some useful information. The next day, Chris’s Aunt Katie was in town and we spent the day with her and Chris’s parents. Then the rest of the week went by pretty quickly since we hung out with friends almost every night. Last night was actually our first night in and after cooking and eating dinner, we made a belly cast! It was a messy process, but was totally worth it. I can’t wait to share pictures after it cures and dries!

Well, that’s all for now. Not sure if the baby’s actually coming in three days but we’ll see!